{ this is me }

{ pondering }

Sunday, November 4

I've came to the conclusion this past week. I need to change some things more I want to change some things. Lately I've been struggling with accepting things I can't control. I don't have many friends who I feel like I can confide in and I don't want to burden the one person who is the closest to me with every little problem, issue or insecurity I have.

With that said I also want to start new things. Grow and adapt on my own. Try new things & create things. I want to pursue actually pursue my hobbies not dabble and push aside because I don't feel I have the time to do them. I have tons of ideas for my Etsy shop and the materials, a camera that sits most of the time and desire to be crafty. I just keep telling myself some day I'll have the time. Wishful thinking because in the end if I dont make the time I never will have the time or use it effectively.

So this is a list of what I want to try to accomplish or achieve is this:

1- Pull down my craft materials & start working on new things

2- learn more about my camera and using the functions. To get better at taking photos in a sense

3- exercise, exercise, exercise. Motivation is a key factor

4- to let certain things be and not let those things stress me out

5- believe in myself more

6- love myself for who I am. Stop comparing myself to others

7- Cherish those people who have accepted me as a friend

8- be the best Mom I can be to my three children

9-continue my blog on a regular basis

10- enjoy every day

i know I just seemed to ramble on but if I don't write this down now I won't later. I won't try to achieve any of this and it will be one more thing I think about out but put no action towards.

Miss Zoey's Photo Shoot with Mama

Thursday, July 19

{ Part 2 of Rubber Ducky Shower }

Wednesday, June 27

Rubber Duckies making noises in the punch bowl

Some of the baby shower guests

{ And a few more shots of Miss Zoey }

Some one has a bit of an attitude for being just one.

{ Zoey Attends a Baby Shower }

Last weekend we attended a baby shower for our friends Eric & Becky.

They are finally expecting their first child very soon..

Checking out the chickens

~ Kiera ~

FEET !!! But most important baby feet !!!

Gorgeous sky

hanging with daddy

{Miss Grumpy Pants }

Just the right sized chair for Miss Zoey and she did pretty good in it for being the first time

"chef" Eric

Aunty Becky, Baby B & Elspeth

{ WTF? }

Thursday, June 21

I've been struggling with this for a few months. In some ways I feel like I'm just being selfish and it shouldn't bother me but on the flip side I believe I deserve to feel like I do, I am after all a human being.
I watched my birthday go by mainly on a plane ride and only a few people who could bother to send me a birthday greeting. Now I know that shouldn't matter I know I'm loved and the people I love acknowledge it but still it stings.. But I need to back up on this and explain a few things.

My birthday tends to fall near Easter so it often it gets a celebration lumped with Easter or just dismissed. I had planned a trip to Ireland and since it's most logical financially to break up missed worked days between to months I decided part of the end of March and beginning on April. I thought it would be cool to be in Ireland on my birthday and originally I had planned to book it so I would be in Ireland not spending most of the day on a plane home. This is where it gets complicated and I get angry somewhat frustrated. To accomodate family members since I had plans for Easter for my my family. I decided to come home the Wednesday (my bday) not the next day. AFTER booking the dates I find out that plans changed and I could've spent the extra day but that's not what pissing me off the most...

I've been part of a family for 8 years. The last few years I have felt a little put off. I mean I can't be ungrateful about certain birthday presents can I really with out causing a stir. But the year I move into the new place a bucket of cleaning stuff is not an ideal present for anyone I guess unless you are Monica off Friends.. The last few years I don't even get a birthday meal with the family anymore but I still attend everyone else's. Call me selfish, arrogant whatever but I don't feel I should be expected to attend theirs. I don't feel very grateful when I get things I can and should already have, since being married 8 years as birthday gifts. I FEEL (yes I is used alot) that if we can celebrate as a whole family someone who is new to the family and not quite "family" that I should get the same recognition. I feel selfish, justified and hurt all at once while I write this. As I write this I feel unsure maybe I shouldn't be angry but I need to write this down because for me writing things out is therapeutic.

The worst part is it makes me feel unequal to everyone else. I have put into this family and have offered generosity and my time. I avoid confrontations at all cost because that who I am, I am a people pleaser and that sucks some days. I care WAY to much what others think or feel and it kinda screws me in the end sometimes that is. But before this spirals into a bunch of garble because I'm losing my point or train of thought. I just feel I need to get it off my chest. It's been bugging more eating at me and I cant seem to shake it. Probably because when things are addressed or mention no one is aware. I don't want angry words towards me about this issue I'm merely getting this off my chest in form of writing. I struggle with stress and feeling depressed and I CAN NO longer let that run my life. It's unhealthy for me.

I guess my point in this ramble is I NEED to stop pleasing others, not be expected to be part of every FAMILY function if I don't feel respected and that IF YOU DON'T know what I'd like as a present I'D RATHER receive nothing. For me one thing that causes discord just continues to roll up with every little thing that happen after until it's just this big mess of shit. THIS IS ME & I can't keep letting things get the best of me. I have not once intended to hurt anyone else but I've got do what I need to do FOR ME.